Memos On The Company's Christmas Party
FROM: Cindy Kehl, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open
Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band
playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be
surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
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FROM: Cindy Kehl, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees.: We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often
coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to
employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?
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FROM: Cindy Kehl, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm
happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to
handle this? Somebody?
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FROM: Cindy Kehl, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and
intimacy during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we
can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our
Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving
your meal until the end of the party-the days are so short this time of
year-or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans.
Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters
Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?
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FROM: Cindy Kehl, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to
do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the
burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees,
but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the
band's breaks. Okay???
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FROM: Cindy Kehl, Human Resources Director
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress
up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be
"Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red
suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or
family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's
Day.
Could we lighten up?
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FROM: Cindy Kehl, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death,"
as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar,
including hydroponic tomatoes...but you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them scream right now!
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FROM: Karen Jones, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Cindy Kehl a speedy recovery
from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your
cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to
cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd
off with full pay. Happy Chanuk-Kwanzaa-Solsti-Rama-Mas